I’m on a journey, a life long journey.
A little over a year ago I began to realise that I could make my life better and control certain things just by having a different outlook.
I bought books about NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) and Cognative Behavioural Therapy. I read The Secret and The Power.
I started to meditate and eat better.
I learned about mindfulness.
This morning I have just finished my 10 minutes of meditation today concentrating on my body and how it feels right here and now. Being present is important as it means I’m not thinking of the past or worrying about what the day may bring just the here and now.
For 20 years I took anti-depressants. I never felt present, just more anxious and more tired and more upset than ever and the doctors just kept dishing out the pills saying I needed more not less!
Last year was particularly tough for me, a lot of changes in my personal life, a new man, new flat, new job.
My past hung around my neck like heavy chains. Carrying my pain with me always, blaming my past for everything that wasn’t right in my life.
Last august I was at a country fair and visited a tarot reader. Now whatever your opinions or views tarot is not just about what the cards say it’s about the person doing the reading, their intuition, their insight.
What he told me urged me to change my life. I didn’t say a word the whole reading just listened. He told me to leave my past behind and sort the issues with my mother or it would drag me down forever. My mother and I have had a tumultuous relationship for as long as I could remember.
He told me my father was with me always watching over me and sending kind words when I needed them. My father died 5 years ago and I miss him terribly.
After that day things started to change and not instantly better but definitely different!
I lost my job, it was a temporary admin role and I hated it anyway! But money was tight and I needed to be working!
My mother and I had a phone conversation and it then became abundantly clear that she only thinks of herself. I made a hard decision to eliminate her from my life. Now I know a lot of you will disagree but some childhoods do not survive with good memories.
A month later I got another temp role and then a week later a phone call about a permanent job as a buyer with much better salary. I went for the interview and got the job!
My mother and I no longer speak and I feel much calmer and in control. I no longer feel like the unsuccessful child who can’t cope with things going wrong!
I meditate when I can (should be more often)! I eat mindfully- don’t confuse that with eating healthily lol! I think about what to say before I speak. I keep a journal. I use mantras to boost my mood and realise that I am a Queen.
I am important.
I am loved.
I am valued!
My fiancé is amazing and has been so patient during this immensely hard transition for me! He loves me unconditionally and tells me how much I mean to him. It’s like he knows I need to hear it!
6 weeks ago, after a lot of reducing over time, I finally stopped taking my antidepressants. I no longer feel the need to cling to them for dear life!
I finally think clearly and feel in control of my emotions. My mind seems flawless and untainted by tears. I feel more confident and stronger.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am not encouraging anyone on medication to just throw that packet away and move on! This has taken me years to get to this point and my doctor knew what I was doing.
But, for me, this was the only solution I felt was right!
There are still many things I want to improve in my life. I want to lose weight and get fit. I’m currently 18stone and asthmatic.
Be calm, be happy!
I want to have regular holidays, own a better car, move to a home of our own. The list could go on forever.
All these things take time but it all starts with a thought, with the intention!
I started by thinking “be calm, be happy”.
No negative self talk, no bad words to myself! I realised how important positive self talk and self care really are!
Now, I am no where near the end of my journey but I do feel like half the battle is over. I feel that for many years, most of my life, I have lived in the clouds, my view obscured by negativity, other people’s words and medication! But now, I feel that I’ve come through that cloud, I can finally see the view beyond! And it’s beautiful, never ending, sunny and bright!
Nothing externally has changed but inside I feel like a whole new person!
If you feel out of control and depressed please try to see beyond the clouds. So many people life in darkness and it is such a waste of an amazing life! Read all you can on self help and positivity.
Talk to someone, be kind to yourself!
You are amazing and you matter! You just need to see it and realise your potential!
Feel free to leave a comment!
Love Kiki B xx